Mixed Emotions . . .

... the dreaded hill.

I just came in from a walk, and boy is it freezing outside. This is one of the two hills in my neighborhood. If this can't make your heart beat fast, idk what will.

Lately, I've been thinking about how much my life has changed over the past year. This time, last year, I was living in an apartment with a roommate I hated - I was over weight & very unhappy - I wasn't exercising - & I was only eating JUNK. I can't imagine being that girl again. Even though I haven't lost a ton of weight, I still feel so much better than I did a year ago. It was so bad to the point where I would cry if I looked at myself in the mirror, so I avoided that at all times. My clothes were getting so tight, so I started wearing nothing but sweat pants & big t-shirts.

What made me change might you ask?
This picture...

This picture was taken on the day I lost my job - April 6, 2011. This is NOT the girl I used to be in high school. This is a girl who stopped caring about herself, and gave up on life. I was smiling on the outside, but crying on the inside. Every time I look at this picture, I applaud myself for making a change. Learning to love exercising has completely changed my life.

Now that I'm bettering myself, I have to learn how to face my fears & my problems head on. There is a reason why I stopped loving myself. There is a reason why I gave up. So many things were going wrong in my life. I lost my best friend, I lost my apartment, I lost my job... I pretty much lost everything. This was such a hard time in my life, and looking at that picture brings back so many painful memories.

Even now, I'm going through a lot of hurtful things in life, but I am handling them a lot better. I have finally enrolled in school and I'll begin in August. I'm working on getting an at home job, so I will be able to work around my school schedule. It might not seem like it, but things are looking up for me.

My "boyfriend" & I, of 3+ years, recently stopped talking. I haven't been alone in over 3 years, so this has been really hard for me. There are times when a song will start playing, and I'll start crying. Or I'll just start thinking about things, and tears start coming down. I would love for my feelings to disappear, but I don't think that will happen any time soon. I'm still in love, so it's hard for me to let it go. This is the only thing in my life that is completely tearing me apart right now.

I can only hope and pray that things get better for me. But until then, I will not give up. I deserve to be happy.